- But tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord...

. : : on the edge of everything : : .

In an odd way, I think that what has been happening over the past month is one of the best sixteenth birthday gifts I could ever recieve.

Through what I have seen and what I have gone through, and what I have seen my parents go through, I have gained more than I have lost, I think. I've gained an incredible, nearly awe-full respect for the man who is my father, and have come to love and respect both of my parents in a newer and deeper way. I've gained a fuller knowledge of myself, and come to realise that yes, I do have gifts, and I have been using some without even knowing; that I really do see and understand things that many people do not or cannot. (And I don't say this to brag, because discernment can be a terrible, terrifying gift.)

I have learned that while people can be horrible and hateful, or disturbed, decieved, afraid--while there will always be people who will fail me, even people I may have once trusted, there will also always be people to prove, to me and to others, that there is good in this world and there is God in this world. Some of these people will be people I rarely gave a second thought to before. 

I have learned anew that there is a God in this world, and He is good. In the words of C.S. Lewis, He is not safe, but He is good. 

I have learned that it will not do to trust people too much, but that it is equally dangerous to trust people too little.

Through the loss of my baby brother, Jabez Dominick, I have gained a fuller understanding of the value of life, even a life so new and small, and a deeper disgust for any attempts to discount this life.

I studied Twentieth Century world history this past school year, and this taught me that the world is a horrible, horrible place, and it is a blindingly wonderful place. Atrocities have happened--the Armenian genocide, the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, the wars and strife and poltical conflict and oppression and slavery and murder and hate and horror, the disintegration of the family, and sin--and knowing this, and knowing that there is a God and there is right and there is good has given me a burning passion to do what I can to set things to rights, wake people up, and if I can personally do nothing, I can at least call other people to do it instead. 

I have learned to accept myself, and also to accept that many people will not accept me as myself. I discovered several months ago that (again, not bragging, although it really does sound bad, set down) I am more emotionally mature than most people my age. My relationships with people function on a completely different (and deeper) level than the majority of my peers' relationships. This was so freeing. I finally realised, yes, I have so few friends. People don't understand me and I don't understand them, but it's okay. There's a reason. And oddly enough, after I discovered this, I stopped worrying about trying so hard to make the kinds of friends I want out of people who can't fullfil them. It isn't that I'm going to begin being unfriendly to people now, but--I understand that there is nothing wrong with me, that I do have incredible, emotionally fulfulling friends who happen to live all over the country and in other parts of the world--I don't know, perhaps I have, for the time being, come to terms with being alone. 

I've learned that being sixteen does not mean I can't be a little silly and frivolous occasionally. I can love my clothing. I can pretend if I want to. I can squee over fandoms and music and languages and semicolons and art like some kind of maniac. And that's okay. Because one is only truly grown-up when one realises the value and the necessity of childishness. But one also needs to recognise that the world is a dark place, and while yes, that means we must make the best of it and laugh and love and live, there are also times for deadly seriousness.

I have come to desire, passionately, a love that transcends the insubstantial trappings of romance. 

I have grown as a writer, a musician, an artist, a lover of beauty, a lover of people, a lover of love.

In a way, I feel as if, in becoming sixteen, I am being given a new self--a new beginning, as it were, a new path and chances to mold things and shape things again. I know I've been changing my appearance, both how I look to the eyes, and how I look to the mind--the way I express myself, whether it be through fashion or through words and images, has changed and matured. And I feel that, with everything that is happening right now, I'm merely on the beginning of something: something which is very possibly huge, even if I have no idea yet what it could be.

* * *

Something wonderful and incredible and downright squee-worthy happened today, but I shan't speak of it until tomorrow. It belongs with the tales of whatever birthday festivities are to come, at any rate.

ONE DAY UNTIL MY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY.

- Drinking man listens to the voice he hears in a crowded room full of covered up mirrors...

. : : opsdhgpsjh : : .

So, is it possible to be happy and depressed at the same time? I did forget to take my supplements this morning, which could possibly have a lot to do with things, but then perhaps it hasn't.

I listened to music in my clean room on a cosy, neatly-made bed, and I liked it a lot, yet somehow I was unhappy. I wrote a fic last night and had an idea that it was good, and disliked it anyway. I wrote a song this afternoon that I think is quite good, yet I dislike it somehow. I've been feeling weirdly uneasy all day, even when I was enjoying something. (Argh. Perhaps it was the potato chips. Someone get those things out of my house. Yes, I like them, and that is the problem. I also feel as if I'm gaining twenty pounds with every mouthful, they feel that greasy.)

Also, my thumb hurts. *whines*

Er. In other news, Lexie is evil and my mother is evil and we have a new vacuum and WE'RE GOING ON VACATION IN FOUR DAYS. EGAD. I should pack. However, this will probably not end up being done until, say, Friday or Saturday. I am extraordinarily talented at packing everything I need for a long trip in ten minutes time without forgetting more than a minor item or two (usually socks, as I can never find the little buggers anyway). I heard Mum say that we will probably have free dial-up at the hotel, and Dad's bringing the laptop, so I may be able to get on there, and if not, I'm spending quite a bit of time at Alyssa's house (including when she isn't there, insert wicked laughter here), and I have been given permission to use her shiny internet.

I am going to go eat a pre-made sandwich now. And that is not as bad as it sounds. Really.

And Ruth Ann, earbuds will be perfect, thankeeeeee. ^-^

Three days until my sixteenth birthday.